It's been 3 years since I've done this which means its about time to dredge up IHLW for another one-off show!
Taped April 1, 2010 at TNM Arena ("Where wrestling isn't bound by time!")
Your announcers are irrelevant.
"Real American" heralds the arrival of Hogan. Horace Hogan of course, but dressed like his uncle in red and yellow. He plugs TNA and says Sting will not be here tonight because he is a CANCER! He talks about Flair failing to beat him. He rambles on about "that cancer" Sting and Flair like he's having flashbacks to WCW and/or TNA.
Unseen announcers inform us tonight's main event is Hogan vs Flair in a Yapapi Strap Match.
Goldberg gets his overly-long WCW entrance with police men and pyro. He gets a mic and wants to know Who's Next? "Who Are You" by The Who brings out Jim Neidhart dressed in his old Who gimmick. Goldberg tells Neidhart to get lost; Goldberg has already beaten him. Neidhart wants a fight anyway and promptly gets speared. He rolls out of the ring and limps away.
Goldberg again asks for a challenger. TOM ZENK's old WCW theme music hits. Zenk comes to the ring and declares "To be Da Man you need to beat Z-Man!"
Bill Goldberg pinned Tom Zenk with the Jackhammer in 0:08:18.
Rating: ***
A taped segment is shown with Sgt. Craig Pittman putting Evan Bourne through a grueling series of army basic training exercises. Pittman repeatedly berates Bourne as weak, declaring if he can't qualify for Airborne then he doesn't deserve to call his finisher Air Bourne. After a lengthy montage, Bourne finally has enough. He refuses to go through any more drills and challenges Pittman to a match later.
Brad Armstrong is dressed in his Buzzkill gimmick from WCW. He hangs a green baggie over the ring before the next match.
Ladder Match
Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam defeated Kronik (Brian Adams and Bryan Clark) in 0:32:36.
Rating: ***
Hardy and RVD win the match by retrieving the baggie of dubious legality.
A taped segment is show with Joe Hennig. Hennig is at a basketball court shooting free throws and nailing every one. He makes 99 in a row but misses the 100th. He walks off the court in frustration.
Evan Bourne pinned Craig Pittman with Air Bourne in 0:22:22.
Rating: * 1/4
A commercial is shown with The Rock advertising First People's Bank. "The Rock says that the First Bank of The People is The First Bank Of The Rock."
Sean Morley comes to the ring and reminds everyone he is now an adult movie producer rather than an actor. And he has found someone to star in his movies. The talent that has come to Morley's attention is the best equipped man short of Ron Jeremy, Dirk Diggler, and The Big Valbowski himself: SANTINO MARELLA!
Bad opera music brings Santino to the ring. Santino struts and poses and thrusts his crotch alot. Morley says it's time to show Santino's movie debut. The arean darkens and opening credits are shown on the big screen over the entrance ramp for a movie titled "The Italian Stallion." Santino is show wearing only a lioncloth while shoveling hay in a stable. A woman in an old fashioned dress that is barely avoiding falling off appears at the stable door and says "Oh but how I could go for a ride right now." Cut to Santino's character who declares "This sounds-a like a job for the stallion Italian!"
Suddenly, the movie cuts off and the lights come back on. Santino and Morely are confused. Christian rap music plays and out comes Mabel and Mo. Mo says they have prevented Morley's filth from being shown to the crowd. Mabel and Mo are teaming up again, but this time they are not just Men On A Mission: they are Men On A Mission...From God!
Men on a Mission From God (Mo and Mabel) defeated Sean Morley and Santino Marella when Mabel pinned Santino after the Hip Hop Drop in 0:16:18.
Rating: * 1/2
A taped segment is shown. Bison Smith is wandering around a deserted urban area in a black suit with black sunglasses. He rounds a corner to find a man in a black trenchcoat. "Mister Anderson, I've found you at last."
The trenchcoated figure turns around to reveal Arn Anderson. "Who the hell are you?" he asks.
Bison Smith seems puzzled. "You are not the Anderson I was looking for."
"Perhaps you were looking for me?" asks C.W. Anderson, who walks up also dressed in a black trenchcoat.
"Or perhaps me?" asks a trench-wearing Frank Anderson.
"No matter, I will defeat you all" declares Bison.
"You and what army, kid?" asks Arn.
From behind Bison Smith step more men in ill-fitting black suits and black sunglasses: Davey Boy Smith, Harry Smith, and J.T. Smith. The Smiths all strike awkward kung fu poses.
"Wait wait wait" says a new voice. Bison Smith looks around and finally spots Ken Anderson standing on a nearby building with a microphone. "Lets take this to the ring!"
"Agreed" says Bison Smith. "Your defeat is...inevitable. Much like this parody."
Elimination Match
C.W. Anderson, Frank Anderson, Arn Anderson and Mr. Anderson beat
Bison Smith, Davey Boy Smith, Harry Smith and J.T. Smith 4 falls to 3:
x Arn Anderson beat J.T. Smith via the Gourdbuster in 0:05:22
x D.B. Smith beat F. Anderson via the Running Powerslam in 0:09:59
x B. Smith beat Anderson via the Bisontennial in 0:12:50
x Frank Anderson beat Harry via a tornado kick in 0:14:06
x Mr. Anderson beat D.B. Smith via a low blow in 0:14:50
x B. Smith beat Anderson via a power bomb in 0:18:26
x Mr. Anderson beat B. Smith via a kneelift in 0:25:04
Survivors: Mr. Anderson
Rating: * 3/4
Mr. Anderson celebrates his victory but Bison Smith stands up and cracks his neck menacingly. Mr. Anderson turns around to see Bison walking across the ring toward him. He shouts "MIC CHECK!" and a large microphone drops from the ceiling, striking Bison Smith in the head and knocking him out cold. Anderson spits gum on Bison Smith and walks off.
Horace Hogan is walking backstage still dressed in the red and yellow. Sting steps out of a dark hallway to block Hogan's path. Sting is of course Jeff Farmer (nWo Sting). Hogan is ready for a fight but is surprised when Sting sprays black mist in his face! Hogan falls to the ground screaming in pain as Sting wordlessly walks off. The unseen announcers ponder what effects The Black Mist causes.
Another taped segment with Joe Henning. He's at a bowling alley. He has 9 strikes on his first 9 frames, but only gets 9 pins on the 10 frame. He is clearly upset at missing on a perfect game. Mike Sanders walks up and tries to console Joe. Curt Henning was Perfect, but Joe is apparently only Almost Perfect. Since Sanders is Above Average perhaps they should form a tag team? Hennig punches Sanders and walks off angry.
The Miz comes to the ring. He cuts his usual cocky heel promo, but when he delivers his catchphrase he's interrupted by someone declaring over the PA "No, you're just The Miz. I'M AWESOME!" Out from the back steps MIKE AWESOME! Awesome charges the ring and we've got a match.
Mike Awesome defeated The Miz by countout in 0:02:26.
Rating: ** 1/4
After a few Awesome Bomb variants, The Miz desperately fled.
Joe Hennig pinned Mike Sanders with the Perfect Plex in 0:06:30.
Rating: ****
Ric Flair's music plays and a figure in fancy robe appears from the locker room, but of course it's just David Flair. Horace Hogan comes out to "Real American" but looks a little slow.
Strap Match
David Flair defeated Horace Hogan in 0:05:29.
Rating: -1/4*
Horace took a beating in this match, apparently showing ill effects of Sting's black mist from earlier. He completely collapses after the match and EMTs rush to the ring. As Hogan is examined, one of the EMTs requests a mic. "Horace is seriously ill. We believe he has cancer." The camera cuts to the rafters, were "Sting" is watching events in the ring. The unseen announcers declare that Sting isn't just a cancer: he can give you cancer! Green mist blinds, red mist burns, black mist causes cancer!