One Night Stand 2007

Josh Liller, Tony Schiavone, and an unfamiliar face open the show at the announcing table.
Liller: Welcome back folks after a long hiatus.  As you know, I'm IHLW interm commisioner for life Josh Liller. You probably recognize Tony Schiavone...
Schiavone: This is a great night for our sport!
Liller: ...but I suspect almost nobody recognizes our third member.  He's possibly both the most loved AND most hated wrestling recapper in internet history: SK!
SK: This can't be any worse than Heroes of Wrestling, can it?  Do I need to break out the hot-pokers-up-the-ass rating system?
Liller: It's not THAT bad, Scott.  Much like ECW One Night Stand back in 2005, we've tried to get everyone involved who ever wrestled for us.  Unfortunately, that wasn't completely possible.  In some cases, wrestlers were otherwise committed or just no longer in condition to participate.  Some have also been lost before their time...
 
A video package shows clips of IHLW appearances by the now deceased Wall, Big Dig Dudley, Mike Awesome,  
Bam Bam Bigelow, Johnny Grunge, and Rocco Rock.  Also some clips of Hayabusa, who is alive but paralyzed.
 
Liller: The loss of Public Enemy is especially sad to me as I was a big fan of theirs and IHLW fans loved them too.  In their memory, here is their proudest moment in IHLW presented in its entirety.  From Memorial Day Melee 2002, Team Extreme vs Public Enemy in a Falls Count Anywhere Anything Goes match for the IHLW Tag Titles...

Jay Sin is barred from the ring area.  Public Enemy have their usual table, which Team Extreme counters by bringing out their own table...wrapped in barbedwire.  The usual brawling leads to the floor, but an Extreme Stunner can't get the win so TE bust out the barbed wire.  The crowd starts going nuts with both teams trading shots with the wire and using it in just about every way barbedwire can be used to injure someone.  Grunge drops an elbow off the apron onto Germany to put him through the TPE table.  Rocco chokes Carson, but Carson slugs him in the face with some brass knux to break the hold.  Grunge goes to the TPE secondary weapon of choice - trash can lids - and plays symbols with Carson's head only to take another Extreme Stunner from Germany.  More barbed wire gets used, as does a TV monitor from the commentary table, a leather belt, and a fire extinguisher.  And they brawl into the crowd and beat the shit out of each other with chairs.  Crowd is just insanely into the match, cheering TPE like crazy and booing the hell out of Team Extreme.  Germany gets a boombox smashed over his head but Carson cleans house with a cane then dropkicks a trashcan lid into Grunge's face.  In a cute spot, Carson syncronizes a few ringbell shots to Rocco with a Germany whipping Grunge.  Grunge snatches a barbedwire bat from under the ring to clobber Germany then does likewise with Carson.  Germany and Carson get laid out on the their own barbedwire table.  Drive By through the table, crowd goes nuts, TPE wins, awesome hardcore match and easily match of the night and probably greatest IHLW tag match ever.
 
No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match
Public Enemy defeated Team Extreme when Rocco Rock pinned Germany with the Drive By in 0:21:26.
Rating: **** 1/4
(Public Enemy won the IHLW Tag Titles.)

Schiavone: Classic match from one of the great tag teams in our sport.
SK: Josh, you may be the first person not named Paul Heyman to be able to properly book Public Enemy.
 
And now Team Extreme comes to the ring with Kurt Reigns and Jay Sin.  They suggest that since they were the previous title holders before TPE's unfortunate demise the belts should revert to them.
 
[TPE Tribute Match]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
Extreme Sin (Khris Germany, Kit Carson and Kurt Reigns) defeated Team 3D (Brother Devon, Brother Ray and Brother Runt) when Germany pinned Runt after a waistlock suplex in 0:06:14.
Rating: **
 
Highlights are shown of 911 chokeslamming a bunch of people, most noteably from the Heyman-Watts   confronation from the May 11, 2002 Saturday Night Insanity and the wacky viginette that introduced  
IHLW Era 2 involving Ed Leslie and a Lex Luger.
 
Liller: Up next is something I can't believe we didn't do a long time ago: MIDGETS!
 
[Midget Match]:
Mini Path Finder, Tzuki, Mascarita Sagrada and Mascarita Sagrada 2000 defeated Mini Abismo Negro, Mini Psicosis, La Parkita and Pierrothito when Tzuki pinned Pierrothito after an inside cradle in 0:05:54.
Rating: * 3/4
 
Liller: Thoughts on the match?
SK: I don't rate midget matches.
Schiavone: Our next series of matches will be the opening round of a 8-man tournament for the revived  
IHLW Hardcore Title.
SK: This is a one-night-only show.  Why do titles matter?
 
[Hardcore Title Revival - Round 1]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
Hack Myers pinned Duke Droese after a small package in 0:14:20.
Rating: * 1/4
 
[Hardcore Title Revival - Round 1]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
Zandig pinned WHACKS after a belly-to-belly suplex in 0:06:59.
Rating: 3/4*
 
John Zandig is still doing the Zangief gimmick from IHLW Era 3.
 
[Hardcore Title Revival - Round 1]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
The Sandman pinned Kintaro Kanemura with the White Russian Legsweep in 0:03:39.
Rating: ***
 
[Hardcore Title Revival - Round 1]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
Sabu pinned Brian Knobbs after a back suplex in 0:08:00.
Rating: ** 1/2
 
Schiavone: Up next, an exciting cruiserweight battle royale!

All the cruiserweights get intros.  Chessman is first and his normal sinister look has been replaced by a chess-themed outfit.  He sets up a chessboard at ringside and starts a game with a security guard while the intros continue.  Ricky Marvin has reprised his "The Rick" gimmick.  HENTAI hands out adult-themed manga to the crowd on his way to the ring.  Fishman tosses fish into the crowd (hopefully fake?).  Goku takes forever to get to the ring because he keeps stopping to do DBZ poses.  Mr. Condor and Mike Quackenbush come out together carrying stuffed birds.  Rainman looks all wet (literally).  Mike Modest and Low Ki get into a fight with Julio Fantastico as soon they are all in the ring together, but Fantastic doesn't have Mike Awesome to help him.
Schiavone: Modestly Low Key had an epic fued with Awesome & Fantastic.
SK: Please tell me you're kidding...
Liller: Kidding that their fued was epic or that I actually booked a fued based entirely on the ringnames of the four wrestlers?
 
[Cruiserweight Battle Royal]: 30-Man Battle Royal:
Rainman won a 30-man Battle Royal:
    x Parka threw out Michinoku in 0:00:11
    x Parka threw out Psicosis in 0:00:22
    x Zebra Kid threw out P. Creation after a superkick in 0:01:10
    x J. Guerrera threw out Calo after a dropkick in 0:01:32
    x Dandy defeated Blitzkrieg after the Dandina Cradle in 0:03:39
    x Zebra Kid threw out HENTAI after a backward kick in 0:05:53
    x Goku threw out J. Guerrera in 0:08:11
    x Dandy defeated S. Mega after a half Boston in 0:08:42
    x Goku threw out M. Modest in 0:11:09
    x Goku threw out Mercurio after a duck-down move in 0:11:38
    x R. Youth defeated Sasuke after a German suplex in 0:12:09
    x Lizmark Jr. defeated R. Youth after a Frankensteiner in 0:12:24
    x Zorro defeated Cerebro after a crucifix in 0:13:25
    x Lizmark Jr. threw out Ki in 0:14:11
    x Tajiri threw out Fantastico after a chop in 0:15:20
    x Tajiri defeated Chessman after a Thesz press in 0:15:31
    x Garza threw out Zorro after a vertical suplex in 0:15:59
    x Condor threw out Lizmark Jr. in 0:16:35
    x Fishman defeated Goku in 0:18:16
    x R. Marvin threw out Zebra Kid in 0:18:33
    x R. Marvin defeated M. Quackenbush after a moonsault bodyblock in 0:18:35
    x Tajiri defeated Fishman after the Buzzsaw Kick in 0:18:49
    x R. Marvin defeated Tajiri after a top-rope Frankensteiner in 0:19:33
    x H. Guerrero defeated Condor after a small package in 0:20:07
    x H. Guerrero defeated Dandy after a Fujiwara armbar in 0:20:53
    x R. Marvin defeated Parka after a flying sunset flip in 0:22:26
    x Rainman defeated H. Guerrero after an Asai moonsault in 0:23:01
    x Rainman defeated Garza after a backslide in 0:23:16
    x Rainman defeated R. Marvin after the Sky High in 0:23:22
Rating: *** 1/2
(Psicosis II no-showed.)
 
Liller: Thoughts on the match?
SK: I don't rate battle royals.
Schiavone: Our next match is for geographic supremacy!
SK: What the hell are you people on?
 
[Match For Geographical Supremecy]: 4-Man Battle Royal:
The Jacksonville Kid won a 4-man Battle Royal:
    x Cougar defeated Colorado Kid after the Senton Bomb in 0:06:48
    x Cougar defeated Indiana Kidd after a frog splash in 0:07:44
    x Kid defeated Cougar after the Frankensteiner off the top in 0:09:14
Rating: ****
 
Schiavone: Our next match features the IHLW debut of the next generation of wrestling greats against the returning latest version of the great lucha stable Los Power Raiders.
SK: David Flair, Erik Watts, an ECW reject, and two WCW rejects against four luchadores and a guy who acted like a dog in WCW.  PLEASE LET IT END QUICK.
Liller: Did I mention this is an Elimination Match?
SK: Somebody get me a keg of Molson, stat.
 
Elimination No-Countout-No-DQ-Match:
The Five Horsemen (David Flair, Christopher W. Anderson, Mike Sanders, Allan Funk and Erik Watts) beat Los Power Raiders 2K2 (Al Greene, Battle Ranger, Cosmo*Soldier, Ludxor White and Venum Black) 5 falls to 3:
    x E. Watts beat Battle Ranger via the Uranage in 0:08:48
    x Cosmo*Soldier beat A. Funk via a rana in 0:15:34
    x Cosmo*Soldier beat C.W. via the Cosmosault in 0:21:01
    x Greene beat Sanders via the Flying Shoulderblock in 0:24:07
    x D. Flair beat Greene via his special move in 0:29:47
    x E. Watts beat White via a half Boston in 0:37:31
    x D. Flair beat Cosmo*Soldier via his special move in 0:45:49
    x D. Flair beat V. Black via the Figure-Four Leglock in 0:46:18
Survivors: David Flair, Erik Watts
Rating: **
[Daffney interfered against Battle Ranger.]
[Daffney interfered against Al Greene.]
[Daffney interfered against Ludxor White.]
[Daffney interfered against Cosmo*Soldier.]
 
Schiavone: Ric Flair and Bill Watts can be proud of their offspring's performances today.  Truly these men will some day be the legends in our sport that their fathers are.
SK: Match was all 'Daffney interferes' and 'Flair wacks somebody with a crowbar'.  Five hot pokers up your ass each to David Flair, Erik Watts, and Al Greene for being shitty wrestlers.  46 hot pokers up the ass of whoever booked this match - one for each brutal minute it lasted.  I warned you.
 
Luchadores Policeman, Maniac Cop, and Vader Cop come to the ring.  New Jack comes out.
Schiavone: New Jack is a hardcore legend!
SK: 100 hot pokers up the ass of whoever signed New Jack to appear tonight.
New Jack cuts a typical promo including multiple uses of the N-word and finishes by saying he has  
three words for his opponents: "F*CK THE POLICE!"  Crowd is split between picking up that chant and chanting "You suck!" at New Jack.
 
[Police Brutality Special]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Handicap-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
New Jack defeated Los Federales (Maniac Cop, Policeman and Vader Cop) when New Jack pinned Vader Cop after a cross-body block in 0:10:25.
Rating: **
 
As soon as the winner is announced, Policeman gets a cellphone and dials something.  Then the cops all get nightsticks and beat the shit out of New Jack.  Crowd chants "RODNEY KING!"  911 comes out and chokeslams New Jack.
 
No-Countout-No-DQ-Match:
ULT1M@T3 CYB3R T3@M (Cibernetico, Cyber Kong, Cyborg and Electro Shock) defeated Maximum Pain (Bull Pain, Cham Pain, Justice Pain and Maxx Payne) when Cyborg pinned Bull Pain after a senton in 0:04:54.
Rating: * 3/4
 
SK: This night is just a parade of bad gimmicks and mismatched styles.
Liller: What did you think the INSANE part of Insane Hardcore Lucha Wrestling was refering to?
Schiavone: Our next match is another epic confrontation between former tag team partners Axl Rotten and Ian Rotten.
SK: These guys have faced each other more times than Hogan and Piper.
Liller: But this time they have barbed wire ropes, taped fists, and a cage.  Surely there's going to be gallons of blood spilt!
 
[Yet Another Bad Breed Blood Bath]: Bloody Hell No-Countout-No-DQ-Cage Match:
Ian Rotten pinned Axl Rotten after a powerslam in 0:08:55.
Rating: 1/2*
 
SK: Why the hell was there a ref bump in a CAGE MATCH???  Hot pokers up the ass!  Ian hit about a .4 Muta there.
Liller: At least they bled this time. One time we book Axl vs Ian ina Barbedwire match and those worthless lugs didn't even have the decency to juice!
Schiavone: Our next match is a four corners elimination match to award the IHLW Tag Titles which have been vacant since the unfortunate passing of the members of Public Enemy.
SK: More title matches?  It's a one-time show!
Schiavone: Our participants are the legendary Head Hunters and...
SK: ...three different teams of luchadores.  One team is doing a stupid political gimmick, one team does air guitar to death metal, and one team has a goat fetish.  I wonder if one of the Chivas are actually Scotsman?
 
No-Time-Limit-No-Countout-No-DQ-Four Corners Falls-Count-Anywhere Match for the vacant IHLW Tag Titles
The Head Hunters (Head Hunter A and Head Hunter B) defeated Axis of Eeeeeevil (Sadam and El Koreano),  
Los Chivas Rayadas (Chiva Rayada I and Chiva Rayada II) and Los Metalicos Muerte (Heavy Metal and Ramstein):
    x Chiva I beat Sadam via the Springboard Flying Back Headbutt in 0:15:42
    x Head Hunter B beat Chiva I via a splash from the second rope in 0:22:13
    x Head Hunter A beat Ramstein via a spinebuster slam in 0:33:26
Rating: ** 1/2
(The Head Hunters won the IHLW Tag Titles.)
[Jim Duggan interfered against El Koreano.]
[Jim Duggan interfered against Sadam.]
 
Schiavone: And Head Hunter A gets a pin after a sidewalk slam!
Liller: Spinebuster.  It's a spinebuster.  It's a gosh damn motherfrickin SPINE-BUSTER YOU BRAINDEAD JACKASS!
*pulls out cellphone*
Schiavone: What are dialing?
Liller: Tony, you're fired.  Scott, you might want to move.
 
911 comes running down.  Tony unsuccessfully tries to flee and 911 chokeslams him thorugh the announce table.
 
SK: Hot pokers up the ass for booking a title match involving nothing but stupid gimmicks and has-beens.  Several more hot pokers for having Jim Duggan make an appearance.  But I approve of the chokeslam.
 
[Hardcore Title Revival - Semi-Finals]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
Zandig pinned Hack Myers after a belly-to-belly suplex in 0:02:29.
Rating: * 1/2
 
[Hardcore Title Revival - Semi-Finals]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
The Sandman pinned Sabu with the White Russian Legsweep in 0:03:50.
Rating: ***
 
Randy Savage comes out a posse and cuts a rap promo against Hulk Hogan.  Hogan's music sounds...but it's the return of Hulk HORACE instead.  The Disciple starts to cut a promo about the Human Union of Life and Karma (H.U.L.K.) but nobody needs to call 911 this time as he comes out to chokeslam The Disciple then Savage's rap posse as well.
SK: I'm pretty sure Savage's promo is a track on his rap CD.  And I'm certain you ripped the H.U.L.K. thing off me.
 
[Grudge Match]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Cage Match:
Randy Savage pinned Hulk Horace with the Flying Elbowdrop in 0:07:44.
Rating: * 3/4
 
SK: A geriatric vs the talentless nephew of a geriatric.  And another cage match with a ref bump.   Five hundred hot pokers up the ass for doing something that stupid twice in the same show.
 
[Hardcore Title Revival - Finals]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match:
Zandig pinned The Sandman after a power bomb in 0:01:28.
Rating: **
(Zandig won the IHLW Hardcore Title.)
 
14-Man Battle Royal:
Kurrgan won a 14-man Battle Royal:
    x F. Sierra defeated Bambikiller after a splash in 0:00:15
    x A. Pierce defeated Goldberg after a flying sunset flip in 0:05:16
    x F. Sierra defeated C. Michaels after the Castro Sleeper in 0:08:00
    x Shamrock threw out Meng in 0:08:25
    x RVD defeated J. Lynn after a Northern Lights suplex in 0:10:01
    x Ramirez defeated RVD after the Power Bomb in 0:11:41
    x Who threw out Ramirez after a powerslam in 0:12:36
    x Saturn defeated Who after the Death Valley Driver in 0:13:09
    x F. Sierra threw out Shamrock in 0:14:52
    x Kurrgan defeated F. Sierra after the Sidewalk Slam in 0:16:20
    x A. Pierce defeated A-Train after a chokehold in 0:16:57
    x Kurrgan defeated Saturn after the Sidewalk Slam in 0:17:43
    x Kurrgan defeated A. Pierce after a side suplex in 0:17:53
Rating: ** 3/4
(Kurrgan won the IHLW Championship.)
 
SK: Who the hell puts a championship on the line in a 14-man match?  Hot pokers for more retarded booking, hot pokers for Meng in a match, hot pokers for Kurrgan in a match, and a google of hot pokers for Kurrgan winning a title.  The bookers here are gonna need Preperation H by the gallon.
Liller: Hmmm...maybe we should have gotten them as a sponsor.  Alright folks, that's all we have for you tonight.  I hope you all enjoyed IHLW One Night Stand 2007.  Who knows when we'll be back again?
SK: I think that statement is a legal threat in some states.
Liller: What's your final rating on the show?
SK: If you like stupid gimmicks, stupid booking, and some ECWish hardcore brawls then this might be the show for you.  There's nothing utterly unwatchable from a wrestling standpoint but the only match really worth checking out was a replay from a previous show.  Recommendation to avoid.